我只是对人生过敏

（俄）兰迪诗 著

尹丹 谢倩雪 译

中信出版社

图书在版编目（CIP）数据

我只是对人生过敏/（俄）兰迪诗著；尹丹，谢倩雪译.—北京：中信出版社，2014.10

ISBN 978-7-5086-4755-5

Ⅰ.①我… Ⅱ.①兰…②尹…③谢… Ⅲ.①漫画-作品集-俄罗斯-现代 Ⅳ.①J238.2

中国版本图书馆CIP数据核字（2014）第192667号

Doodles by Landysh

Copyright©2014 by Landysh and China CITIC Press

Chinese translation copyright©2014 by CITIC Press

Published by arrangement with CITIC Publishing House

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

我只是对人生过敏

著者：[俄]兰迪诗

译者：尹丹 谢倩雪

策划推广：中信出版社（China CITIC Press）

出版发行：中信出版集团股份有限公司

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（CITIC Publishing Group）

书号：978-7-5086-4755-5/J·22

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我只是对人生过敏

I fail to understand
the "good" part of
"good morning".

我就不明白了，“早上好”到底好在哪里。

I don't like morning people…
or mornings…or people.

我不喜欢早起的人……或早晨……或人。

I want to marry my bed.I want to marry my bed.

我恨不得嫁给我的床。

I have a rule:if temperature is less
than my age,I don't get out of bed.
Ellen Degeneres

我的原则是：当气温低于我的年龄，我就不起床。
——艾伦·德杰尼勒斯（《艾伦秀》主持人）

I'm so athletic.I surf…the Internet.

我是个运动健将，我热衷冲浪……
在网上。

I love food more than I love people.

食物比人更得我心。

"I have metal fillings in my teeth.
My refrigerator magnets keep
pulling me into the kitchen.
That's why I can't lose weight."

“我的牙齿里有金属填充物，电冰箱磁贴不停地把
我吸进厨房。这就是我无法减肥的原因。”

I'm not saying I'm Batman.I'm just
saying nobody has ever seen me and
Batman in a room together.

我可没说自己就是蝙蝠侠。我只是说根本没有
一个人能看到我和蝙蝠侠共处一室。

I've never been in love but I imagine
it's similar to the feeling you get
when you see your waiter arriving
with your food.

我从没有恋爱过，但我想这种感觉相当于目睹
侍者端着你的食物向你走来。

Everyone's getting a
boyfriend and you know
what I'm getting?
FATTER

别人都有新男友，
我却只有新赘肉。

If robbers even broke into my house
and searched for money,I'd just
laugh and search with them.

要是有劫匪闯入我的屋子里找钱，
我只会大笑着和他们一起找。

When I die,bury me under
the pub…So my husband
will visit me 7 times a week!

在我死后，请将我葬在酒吧下面……
这样我的丈夫就能一个星期来看我七次了！

All I do is sit around
and eat and be sad.
I am basically a more
annoying version
of a plant.

我所做的就只是坐着、吃着、郁闷着，
就像是一株烦人的植物。

Why can't someone look at me
the same way I look at pizza?

为什么别人看我的方式不能像我看比萨那样呢？

Every once in a while
I check up on people I hate
to make sure I still hate them.

每隔一段时间，我就会核对一遍我讨厌的人，
确保我仍然恨着他们。

Even on Valentine's Day,my secret
admirers take the secret part seriously.
Good for them.

即使在情人节，我的暗恋者都能严格保守秘密。
可真够难为他们的。

I don't have birthdays.
I level up.

我不过生日，我只升级。

I'm waiting for the day that scientists
discover a cure for Natural Causes.

我等待着科学家成功治愈
“顺其自然综合征”的那一天。

If I had a rapper name,
it would be Lay-Z.

如果给我起一个饶舌歌手的名字，
我希望是赖床老爹。

I can't wait till I'm rich so if
there's a spider in my house
instead of killing it I can just
leave and buy another house.

我迫切期待自己富有到
在家里看到一只蜘蛛不是打死它而是离开
并购买另一幢房子的那一天。

If only losing weight was as easy
as losing my cellphone,my keys,
my temper,or even my mind,
I'd be SO skinny!

如果丢掉体重像丢手机、丢钥匙、丢耐性，
甚至丢掉理智一样容易，那我早已骨瘦如柴！

Old people at weddings
always poke me and say
"You're next."
So,I started doing
the same thing to
them at funerals.

老人们喜欢在婚礼上戳戳我，并对我说：
“下一个就是你啦。”
所以，我开始在葬礼上以牙还牙。

If I knew I wasn't going to fall asleep
in the last 2 hours,I could have been
using the Internet!

早知道花了两个小时都没睡着，
我本可以好好上上网的！

I'M NOT GETTING OLDER.
I'M JUST BECOMING A CLASSIC.

我不是在一天天变老，
只是越变越经典。

I FIND THE EASIEST WAY TO EXPAND MY VOCABULARY IS TO MAKE UP NEW WORDS.

我发现，要拓展我的词汇量，
最好的方法是自造新词。

I just feel so irrelephant…I just feel so irrelephant…

我就是觉得自己风马牛不相及……

If I had a dollar for every
time somebody told me I was
pretty I would have exactly
one dollar thanks mom.

如果每次别人说我漂亮我都会获得一美元的话，
感谢你，妈妈，
我将正正好好有一美元。

Top 4 wishes:
1)To earn money without working.
2)To be smart without studying.
3)To love without being hurt.
4)To eat without getting fat.

四个最想实现的愿望：
1.不劳而获
2.不学有术
3.相爱无伤
4.狂吃不胖

I have a fan!
EXPECTATIONS
REALITY

我有一个粉丝（电扇）！
想象中
实际上

We are best friends.Always remember
that if you fall,I will pick you up…
after I finish laughing.

我们是最好的朋友。
永远记住，我会在你摔倒的时候将你扶起……
当然，是在我笑够之后。

A friend is someone who will bail
you out of jail.A best friend is the
one sitting next to you saying
"Boy,was that fun".

朋友是能保释你出狱的人。
最好的朋友则是陪你坐在一起说
“哥们儿，真过瘾”的人。

Friends who buy you food
are friends for life.

买吃的给你的朋友才是一辈子的交情。

Sleep is for people without
access to the Internet…

搞不懂网络的人才在乎睡眠……

Three reasons to be a teacher.
June,July,August.

当老师的三个原因：六月、七月、八月。

Don't feel bad about doing nothing.
Pandas don't do anything and look
how great they are!

别为无所事事而懊恼。
熊猫什么也不做，可他们好着呢！

Maybe we're already superheros
but our powers are really shitty
like the power to tie your shoes
really fast or to never burn an omelette.

也许我们每个人都是超级英雄，
只是我们的超能力真心不给力，
比如能特别快地系鞋带和永远不会把蛋饼摊糊。

Do what you love,and what you're
proud of,and you're bulletproof.
Craig Ferguson

做你爱做和令你得意的事儿，你将刀枪不入。
——克雷格·费格森（美国著名脱口秀主持人、喜剧演员）

Tell someone they can do
anything and they won't know
what to do.
Tell someone what they can't do
and they'll know exactly what
they want to do.
Humans…

对他们说，他们可以做任何事，
他们会不知道自己该做什么。
告诉他们，他们不能做什么事，
他们马上就知道自己想要做什么了。
唉，人啊……

Real men don't grow up.
They grow out.

真男人不求长大，但求长草。

If stupid people did not exist,
the Internet would be boring.

如果蠢货不存在，上网还有什么乐趣。

Probably the worst thing about being
a penguin is after you're in an argument
you'll try to waddle away angrily but
still look adorably cute.

身为企鹅最可悲的一点也许是，一场激烈的争吵后，
你迈着坚毅的步伐愤然离开，
而在别人眼中却是一个摇摇摆摆卖萌的小可爱。

Whatever you do always give 100%!
Unless you're donating blood.

做事情就要做到百分之百！
除非你是在献血……

Newton's 1st law:
A body at rest,wants
to stay at rest.

牛顿第一定律：
一个静止的身体，想要保持静止。

Newton's third law of emotion:
for every male action there is a
female overreaction.

牛顿第三情感定律：
男人的每一次反应，
都对应着女人的一次过度反应。

Your age is the number of times
you went around the sun.

年龄就是你环绕太阳的次数。

Birthdays are good for your
health.Studies have shown
that people who have more
birthdays live longer.

过生日有益健康。
研究表明，生日过得越多的人活得越久。

pie chart
People who eat healty balanced meals
People who wish this was really a pie

饼状图
xt1膳食营养均衡的人群
xt2希望饼状图真的是一块饼的人群

The difference between
"Girlfriend" and "Girl friend"
is that little space in between
we call the "Friend Zone".

“女朋友”和“女性朋友”之间的区别就是中间那一个字，
我们称之为友情空间。

When a girl says
"Do whatever you want"
do NOT do whatever you want.

如果一个女孩对你说：“做你想做的”，
千万不要做你想做的。

If a woman is upset,hold her and
tell her how beautiful she is.
If she starts to growl,
retreat to a safe distance and
throw chocolate at her.

如果一个女人心烦，
拥抱她并且告诉她她是多么漂亮。
如果她开始咆哮，
后退以保持安全距离，
再丢块巧克力给她。

What if I got a boyfriend?
I wouldn't know what to do…
What do they eat?
How often do they have to be walked?

如果有了男朋友会怎样？
我将无所适从……
该喂他们吃什么？多久遛一次？

Why didn't giraffe apologize?
It takes too long
to swallow its pride.

为什么长颈鹿不会道歉？
因为等待它自食傲慢遥遥无期。

-What did the ocean say to the other ocean?
-Sea you later?
-Nothing.It just waved.

─海洋之间会聊些什么？
─说待会儿接着嗨（海）？
─它们什么都不说，只是浪笑。

What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with
something!

一部电梯会对另一部说什么？
我想是：“我带点儿什么东西就下来啊！”

Can deaf people tell the difference
between a yawn and a scream?

聋人能分辨出哈欠和尖叫的区别吗？

Wouldn't it be nice if the world was flat?
That way we could just push off
the people we don't like.

如果世界是平的，不是很好吗？
那样我们就可以把不喜欢的人推下去了。

Doesn't expecting the
unexpected make the
unexpected become
the expected?

对意料之外的期待难道不就令意料之外
变成意料之中了吗？

Afraid to die alone?
Become a bus driver.

害怕一个人孤单地死去？
公交车司机是你的不二选择。

I think the guy who
invented ties was
trying to commit suicide.
Then he saw himself
in the mirror
And thought…
"Wait,this look nice."
Steve Stifler

我认为发明领带的人其实打算自杀，然后他在镜子里看见了
自己的样子，于是想到“等一下，这个看起来不错”。
——史堤夫·斯蒂夫勒（电影《美国派》系列电影中的角色）

Never trust a man with short legs…
his brain is too near his bottom.
Noel Coward

永远不要相信腿短的男人……
他的脑子离脚底太近了。
——诺埃尔·科沃德（喜剧演员）

Dead people are cool.

死人冷酷到底。

Good girls are bad girls
that never get caught.

好女孩就是没被揭穿的坏丫头。

Every day thousands of innocent
plants are killed by vegetarians.
HELP END THE VIOLENCE.

每天，成千上万的蔬菜丧命于素食主义者之手。
伸出援手，制止暴力。

The Moon can't be a Jedi knight
because of its dark side.

月亮无法成为一名绝地武士是因为它的阴暗面。

GEOLOGY
Name the three types of rock:
1.Classic
2.Punk
3.Hard

地理考试
命名三种类型的石头：
1.经典摇滚
2.朋克摇滚
3.硬摇滚

Learn a lesson from your dog-
no matter what life brings you,
kick some grass over that shit
and move on.

向你的狗学习——不管生活带给你什么，往那
坨狗屎上踢点儿草，继续撒丫子前进。

The first guy who persuaded
a blind person they needed
sunglasses -he must have
been a hell of a salesman.
Jimmy Carr

世界上最伟大的推销员，
一定是第一个说服盲人他们需要墨镜的人。
——吉米·卡尔（喜剧演员）

CATS THROUGH THE AGES

时间恒久远，猫咪永流传。

This is Sahara toilet,
the biggest toilet in the world.

这是撒哈拉大厕所，世界上最大的茅坑哦。

CHECK OUT THE NEW SUSHI BAR.

来看看新的寿司吧。

My main area of expertise
is string theory.

我的专业领域是以线构成的“弦”理论。

Of coures I am in shape!
Round is a shape.

我当然很有型！
圆也是一种形啊。

LICK LICK LICK LICK
WIPE WIPE WIPE
PHEW!WHAT A DAY!

舔舔舔舔
蹭蹭蹭
噗！这一天过的！

OH,MAN,I REALLY
SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD
THAT COFFEE IN JUNE.

天哪，我真的不应该到了六月还喝咖啡！

Coffee!Do stupid things faster
with more energy!

咖啡！更快更精神地做傻事！

WHEN I SEE YOU,I AM HAPPY!
I LOVE YOU NOT FOR
WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE,
I LOVE YOU FOR
WHAT YOU HAVE INSIDE.

我一见你就笑！
我爱你并不是因为你的外表，而是因为你的内在。

A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.
An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

一日一曲奇，悲伤远离你。
日吞一整罐，悲伤还复来。

True self-control is
waiting until the movie
starts to eat your
popcorn.

真正的自控是等到电影开始
才吃爆米花。

Strength is the ability to break
chocolate bar into four pieces
with your bare hands and
eat just one of those pieces.

真的勇士，就是可以徒手将巧克力掰成四瓣，
却只吃其中一块。

Save the Earth.
It's the only planet
with chocolate.

救救地球吧，这是唯一一个有巧克力的行星。

Imagine if trees gave off wifi signals
we'd be planting a lot of them!
And we'd probably save
the planet too.
Too bad they only produce
oxygen we breathe.

想象一下，如果树能发射无线网络信号，
我们肯定会种很多很多的树，
而我们很可能也会拯救地球。
真可惜它们只能生产供我们呼吸的氧气。

So you lied to me about your age!

也就是说，你一直对我谎报年龄！

Couldn't find anything
wrong with this one.
Maybe he's just lazy.

没有检查出任何异常，可能他仅仅是犯懒了

Waiting…
for the
perfect
man

等待……
等那个完美的男人。

KISS
Best way to shut a girl up.

接吻：
让女孩闭嘴的最佳方法。

THE WORD
"VERB"IS
ACTUALLY
A NOUN

“动词”这个词实际上是个名词。

"Let's eat,Mom!"
"Let's eat Mom!"
Save a life.Use a comma.

“一起吃，妈妈！”
“一起吃妈妈！”
珍爱生命，请使用逗号。

A POEM ABOUT BUGS:
If it can fly
it should die.

一首献给昆虫的诗：
既然
有本事飞，
就应该死。

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says:hi

对方正在输入……
对方正在输入……
对方正在输入……
对方正在输入……
对方正在输入……
对方说：嗨。

Don't worry!
I'm koalafied to drive.

别担心！
我“考拉”驾照。

Yo mama's so fat
when she sat on my iPhone
she made the iPad.

你妈妈胖到一屁股把我的iphone坐成了ipad！

Yo mama is so fat,her patronus
is a cake!

你妈妈这么胖，她的守护神一定是一只蛋糕！

Yo mama is so fat when she
walked past the window we
lost four days of sun light.

哟，哟，
你的肥妈走过了窗边，
黑暗笼罩我们整整四天。

You're not fat.You're just…
easier to see.

你并不胖，你只是……
比较容易被认出来。

Obesity:
When you buy a hula-hoop
and it fits you.

肥胖：
就是你买了一个呼啦圈，然后发现穿上它刚合适。

Paper cut:
A tree's glorious
moment of revenge.

被纸割伤：
一棵树复仇的辉煌时刻。

Children:You spend the first two
years of their life teaching them how
to walk and talk.The next sixteen?
Spent telling them to sit down and
shut up.

孩子：
他们生命的头两年，你竭尽全力地教他们如何
走路和说话。接下来的十六年？你精疲力竭地
让他们坐下和闭嘴。

Vegetarian.Ancient tribal slang
for the village idiot who can't hunt,
fish or ride.

素食主义者：
原始部落粗话，用来骂那些不会打猎、
捕鱼或骑马的山野蠢夫。

mental abuse to humans

数学：
对人类施加的精神虐待。

Fun facts:
All objects are waterproof!
Some of them only one time…

趣味事实：
所有物体都是防水的！虽然其中一部分只是
一次性防水……

TITANIC

泰坦尼克号。

FACE LIFTER

脸部提升

-Are you crying?
-No,I'm having an
allergic reaction.
-To what?
-To life.

——你在哭吗？
——没有，我只是过敏了。
——对什么过敏？
——人生。

THE BEST FEELINGS IN THE WORLD
·Hot showers
·The first bite of a meal when you're really
·Tight hugs
·Crawing into,the bed after a long day
·Forehead kisses
·Waking up in the morning and actually feeling like you had enough sieep

世上最好的感觉：
·冲热水澡
·饥饿的时候吃到第一口饭
·紧紧的拥抱
·在累了一天之后爬上床
·额头上的亲吻
·在早上醒来，并感到自己确实得到了充足的睡眠

The End

完

骗你的，未完待续